"So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
. . .
Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone "
Everybody goes through it. For some people it is finding a job, losing a relative, watching their only child leave home, going through a divorce. For me, it's deployment. It's the thing that makes me come undone - the unimaginable, the unfathomable. Ever since my senior year of high school, I just haven't been able to handle deployments.
8 years ago I embraced them. They were my reality.
Almost 6 years ago, I learned to run from them. I ran from relationships, let friendships grow cold, emotionally detached myself, and swore that I would never date another Soldier again.
And yet, here I am. Dating, no, although most consider that to be arguable. It took me a while to figure out which direction I was going to go --- should I run? should I stick it out? Did I even have the strength to choose? Was the choice even going to be my own?
I began to pray more fervently than I ever have in my life. Unsure if I should take the band-aid approach to breaking my heart or risk having it demolished by the chance of catastrophe, I began to lay every conversation, every doubt, every fight at the feet of God. Simply saying: Your will be done. Although, I often included something along the lines of "Hey, God, I really need you to be a little more clear on this one..."
And His response was always crystal clear. When I felt the tables turning, thought myself to be in a new situation, His response was always the same. Doling out both comfort and a more obvious answer.
As said before... here I am. I am not worried, although I would do anything for the Peace of mind that comes with having a loved one uninjured, alive, and on American soil. I am not sad, yet thrilled to have the opportunity to rejoice at every life-giving breath. I am not lonely - I am surrounded by an incredible support system and even have a wonderful friend who was in my shoes less than a month ago. And a God who wraps his loving arms around me to fend off the cold nights and empty arms for months and months on end.
I feel stronger than I ever have. A new strength in knowing that it is both my only choice and exactly what I was created to do.
This part of my life. It is both a mystery and my destiny... an option I never would have chosen, but a magnet that always pulled me closer. A rough draft, the finished piece, an experiment and yet the most obvious cure for the wandering soul. I am curious, reluctant, unready, yet so very sure. This part of my life... it feels perfect, because no matter what, I am not doing this alone.
