Because sometimes you give the people you love a break...

I feel so out of touch with my own life right now.

The idea that this time next year I will be juggling school with a *full time* job is just... nuts.  Absolutely insane.

There are some days when I'm glad that college is almost over.  I'm pretty sick of studying for exams all of the time, and I don't always feel like I fit into any place in college anymore.  And then there are some days when I just don't want to give up lounging around in my sweatpants all day.  Being an adult is kinda awful sometimes.

I am also incredibly lonely.  I get that being an adult can be like that... especially a single adult, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I can't blame the people I lived around last year - I'm in a different place in life than many of them are.  Plus, I stopped drinking, and for some reason that seems to really freak a lot of people out.  Which goes along with my friends from Beta Alpha Psi - I love them, but I can't go out on Thursday nights and stay up crazy late because I'm drinking.  Or, even really want to be dragged around to different bars and hit on by people that make me uncomfortable, or even just sit back and watch them be ridiculous when I am absolutely crazy exhausted.  And so I've pretty much lost touch with most of my friends.

And it's silly to think that it could be so upsetting... but it's hard.  It's so so hard to be so incredibly tired all the time and then still want to stay up with people.  During the summer, I went to bed at 930 every night because I was just that tired... at school, I'm doing really well to be asleep by 1am on a day before I go to work, and then I have to be up at 6 the next morning.  Working at a desk is so much more exhausting than people can imagine sometimes - the amount of effort it can take to stay awake can be the most strenuous part sometimes.

So really... I just feel like people forget that I am still here.  most nights, I'm down to watch a movie and cook dinner and drink some hot chocolate... or maybe the tiniest bit of wine if I'm really happy.  But it can just be really hard to go down the line and ask people and get so many excuses, so yeah.

Sorry, just feeling like a whiner.

This kind of love.

I need to vent.  I just need to put this out there.

I am so sick of people looking at me and saying "You deserve better."

1) I am not dating anybody.  I am not acting like I am dating anybody.  I am also not hanging all over any guy that will give me attention, actively seeking someone to spend the rest of my life with, or sleeping around. 

2) My standards are set so high because the guy that people think is so bad for me treats me so well that no guy currently in my life can compare.  Seriously.  As incredible as the guys in my life can be, none of them consistently treat me the way that he does.  Even when we were nothing but friends.  So, either step up, or understand why I don't want to listen to you talk smack about a guy that I hold very dear.

3) I don't care.  Honestly, the only reason that I am so upset about this is the fact that people get drunk and feel the need to get up in my face about the person that I love.  Hey, I love him and he loves me back - I'd say that even if we were dating, that wouldn't be a terribly place to be in.  But since we aren't, well, it's still a pretty good place to be.

4) If he does end up being the right guy, it's going to be pretty hard to forget all the times people looked at me and said terrible things about the love of my life when it's time to make wedding invitations.

So, to all of my friends... get on board and be a little more supportive, please.  If it makes me giddy and smiley when I get a sweet text from a guy, let me be giddy and smiley.  And if I'm having a bad day or look upset, maybe I'm just feeling really left out by my friends, or hey, maybe I just had a rough day at work that lasted 9 hours.

My life does not revolve around this guy.  I fixed that.  It's all good.

So please... let me love.  It's what I do best.