goodmorning goodnight

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

3rd blog in one night... holy cow!

Today has been one of those days where I have been so unproductive because I am just constantly thinking.

And I get it.  I finally understand why I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I come to blogspot to get it out...

After every terrible relationship, I promise myself that I won't let it happen again.  And normally, it happens again without me even realizing it.  This time, I was completely aware of how bad I was botching up my own life that I could barely look at myself in the mirror some mornings.  When you compromise yourself so much in a relationship that you leave and realize that you don't even recognize yourself anymore... it really does something to you... mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It is absolutely awful.  I didn't just give in... I more of less opened my arms and said "I'm a clean slate.  The person that I've worked to become the last 21 years is scrapped and it is up to you."

Yeah.  That isn't how life works.  The ONLY person allowed to change my life like that is God, and me.  I have worked for 22 years to become the person that I want to be.  And quite frankly, I'll be darned if that person isn't good enough for somebody.  Or maybe they will.  Either way, I'm out of the equation.

I'm also out like a light.  I'm exhausted and it's 1am.  All new stay up late record for me.

Because I know I sound a little down.

I know my posts lately seem like i'm going *backwards* in my progress towards happiness... but in fact, I really feel like this is part of the process.  Instead of just hiding in my end of the world, I'm actually facing my demons and confronting things.  I'm not angry, I'm not really cynical, I'm very happy being single and I love the fact that I'm not settling to be completely unhappy anymore.   Because just thinking about that is actually kind of depressing. But I'm trying to get to the point where it just becomes part of my past and I can truly forgive myself for allowing any of it to happen.

But all I really need is another week at camp... which I get next week.  And I couldn't be more excited about!

I laughed at this kid in high school...

So, the guy I last let borrow my heart told me that he would even consider me his ex... which i told him was kinda stupid and insulting, and not everything had to be on facebook to be in existence.  Which he *used* to believe.  Or something.

But, he is beginning to constantly prove himself to be the guy that I made fun of relentlessly behind his back.  Which obviously makes me not the best person, but hey, it was high school.

Ya know, the kid who turns asking a girl out into a proposal.  I mean... come on.  Nobody is going to look at a ring on this poor girls finger and say "aww, he proposed when he asked her out."  They are going to say... "wow.  that's really freaking creepy.  Guys like that are so pathetic."  Why?  because I used to look at my boyfriend and say, thanks babe, I'm glad our word is enough. Plus, when people aside from my parents get me rings, it always leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.

This guy gave ME a ring too.  My response: Ya know, this ring does nothing but piss me off.  I mean, who the hell says, "with this ring I dump your butt"?  It just kinda makes the meaning of THAT ring, ya know, the one that will eventually have diamonds in it, completely pointless.

But, now that I'm done wallowing in self pity because I actually dated that guy that I made fun of in high school... I'm gonna watch a movie with the man who is here to visit.  Yep!  Logan is here for another weekend... and right now he's actually asleep, so i'm probably just gonna go sleep in the guest room instead.  ahaha.  gotta love it =)

sometimes ya just gotta say it

I haven't blogged in a while.

Lately I've felt kinda bad about some things.  I just seem to be so stuck with part of this forgiveness thing.  It is so hard to forgive somebody when they really seem to be the person who came in a destroyed all natural order.  So I'm working on it.  I honestly can't say she doesn't deserve the crap he's going to eventually give her.  I'm not doing to say that she deserves it either - not my place.


I also feel terrible about the frustration I know that I've caused a lot of people.  I was extremely unhappy with myself for a pretty long time.  Basically, since sometime in October, I've been struggling to overcome some giant road block that prevented me from basic happiness or satisfaction with most parts of my life.  And I took that out on my roommates the most.  And then probably my friends Brittany and Will after that.

Kylie and Carrie are absolutely incredible people.  They helped me through problems that they didn't even really have any idea what it felt like to be me.  They loved me, listened to me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and once Carrie even asked to pray with me, but they never told me to get over myself, or told me that my problems were stupid.  Even though some of my problems were definitely pretty stupid, and I brought most of them on myself at some point in my life.  I've never met two people who smiled at me even though they knew that I would spend the entire time we were getting ready for class complaining about my bad relationship or how much I wanted to be in or out of my bad relationship.  I was a mess, but they never let on that they minded.

Honestly, the part that makes me feel the worst is that they both found the most incredible guys this year, and it took so much for me to show how happy I was for them.  I was thrilled that they found such great people to spend their time with, but I was green with envy.... but definitely not that pretty grass shade of green.  I was more of a toxic ooze color.

So... now that I've gotten really tired and want to go to bed now, I'm just going to stop writing.  But, I'm going to make it up to these people in my life.  This year is going to be different, and I am going to be happy.  And I am going to be happy for them... and show them how thankful I am that they are in my life.

The end.

Happy

For those who really know me... you know that happiness for me is intense, yet fleeting.  It isn't that I'm a sad person... but I could probably be the butt of a bipolar joke on a bad day.  It isn't exactly a sob story - I mean, gosh... I'm so incredibly blessed, and when I look back on many, MANY parts of my life... I can't help but smile until I feel like I might break.

But the last 8 or so years have been a pretty big struggle.  I've never really been a person to date.  I don't typically have "official" relationships... in fact, the more official the title, the shorter they last.  I've more or less resorted to having a "person" - a loose term that describes a variety of relationships.  Basically... it's somebody that I can write home too... if I did that sort of thing and they lived back home.

This has always been a frustrating aspect of my life.  Being notoriously single and subjecting myself to commitment without the actual commitment has done what you would expect it to do : filled that aching hole inside of me only to make it bigger when they decide to "peace out".  A lot of people kept saying "Hey, enjoy it while you can!  You'll find that special person one day!"

Quite frankly... those people could shove it then (and now).  When you've been officially single for 7 of the last 8 years... well... you get the idea that you've pretty much run out of things to enjoy.  Or at least that is how I felt until a few weeks ago.

Today... I am so very happy.  I'm looking at the relationships around me... and delighted to find no hint of jealousy remaining and even find joy in the happiness of others.  I've come to terms that I'm glad my past relationship is over - it wasn't healthy, and it really wasn't all that happy.  Sure, I laughed, and I'm sure that one day we will enjoy our old jokes and be able to start our friendship over again - actually, I'm excited that we will probably have that chance.  But right now, it's good that we are apart and not really talking.  And even better that we aren't "together".   I mean.. I'm pretty sure i'm not hurting anybody's feelings when I say that.

So right now... I'm just so content with life.  I'm not single because nobody wants to be with me... I'm single because I'm not meant to just be found... I'm meant to be discovered by someone so lost in the Lord that he accidentally stumbles across me.  There is that person out there who God made especially for me... and one day we will meet and I won't experience the same brokenness as before.

I don't "need" to find a guy to like me anymore.  That need has been filled by God, and by self-love and self-confidence and self-discovery.  When that guy finds me... he'll just have to make his own space in my life <3

Ya know, I'm terrible at getting on this thing.  Normally my days are so hectic that living them once is exhausting enough!!!

At the moment, I'm reading through letters from Anna-Leigh and they are making me miss her terribly!!!  I do have such a sweet little sister, and reading through everybody else's letter reminds me of how unique each of our relationships are, and how well we know each other.  So, here are a few recaps of things that she's written:

She wrote to Katelyn about the music that she's listened to and how she's writing down lyrics to the songs that she likes so that she can download the music.  She also felt the need to share that she had to pee for 2 hours before they stopped at a rest stop.  I just had to laugh!  She's also gone on about how long the ride is and the food that they are eating, it's so funny!

She also sent us a few postcards.  Apparently she took a pretty sunset picture for Katelyn & I, and she's getting Daddy a keychain for Father's day.  Oh, and the Alamo is boring (agreed.)

In my letter, she's talking about where she sits on the bus.  Apparently, a kid named Dom was sitting beside of her and he fell asleep.  Anna took it upon herself to sit his head straight up so that he wouldn't wake up with a crick in his neck.  I really had to laugh out loud at that one - what a sweetheart!