‎"Real men stay faithful. They don't have time to look for other women because they're too busy looking for new ways to love their own." - drake ♥

Because sometimes you give the people you love a break...

I feel so out of touch with my own life right now.

The idea that this time next year I will be juggling school with a *full time* job is just... nuts.  Absolutely insane.

There are some days when I'm glad that college is almost over.  I'm pretty sick of studying for exams all of the time, and I don't always feel like I fit into any place in college anymore.  And then there are some days when I just don't want to give up lounging around in my sweatpants all day.  Being an adult is kinda awful sometimes.

I am also incredibly lonely.  I get that being an adult can be like that... especially a single adult, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I can't blame the people I lived around last year - I'm in a different place in life than many of them are.  Plus, I stopped drinking, and for some reason that seems to really freak a lot of people out.  Which goes along with my friends from Beta Alpha Psi - I love them, but I can't go out on Thursday nights and stay up crazy late because I'm drinking.  Or, even really want to be dragged around to different bars and hit on by people that make me uncomfortable, or even just sit back and watch them be ridiculous when I am absolutely crazy exhausted.  And so I've pretty much lost touch with most of my friends.

And it's silly to think that it could be so upsetting... but it's hard.  It's so so hard to be so incredibly tired all the time and then still want to stay up with people.  During the summer, I went to bed at 930 every night because I was just that tired... at school, I'm doing really well to be asleep by 1am on a day before I go to work, and then I have to be up at 6 the next morning.  Working at a desk is so much more exhausting than people can imagine sometimes - the amount of effort it can take to stay awake can be the most strenuous part sometimes.

So really... I just feel like people forget that I am still here.  most nights, I'm down to watch a movie and cook dinner and drink some hot chocolate... or maybe the tiniest bit of wine if I'm really happy.  But it can just be really hard to go down the line and ask people and get so many excuses, so yeah.

Sorry, just feeling like a whiner.

This kind of love.

I need to vent.  I just need to put this out there.

I am so sick of people looking at me and saying "You deserve better."

1) I am not dating anybody.  I am not acting like I am dating anybody.  I am also not hanging all over any guy that will give me attention, actively seeking someone to spend the rest of my life with, or sleeping around. 

2) My standards are set so high because the guy that people think is so bad for me treats me so well that no guy currently in my life can compare.  Seriously.  As incredible as the guys in my life can be, none of them consistently treat me the way that he does.  Even when we were nothing but friends.  So, either step up, or understand why I don't want to listen to you talk smack about a guy that I hold very dear.

3) I don't care.  Honestly, the only reason that I am so upset about this is the fact that people get drunk and feel the need to get up in my face about the person that I love.  Hey, I love him and he loves me back - I'd say that even if we were dating, that wouldn't be a terribly place to be in.  But since we aren't, well, it's still a pretty good place to be.

4) If he does end up being the right guy, it's going to be pretty hard to forget all the times people looked at me and said terrible things about the love of my life when it's time to make wedding invitations.

So, to all of my friends... get on board and be a little more supportive, please.  If it makes me giddy and smiley when I get a sweet text from a guy, let me be giddy and smiley.  And if I'm having a bad day or look upset, maybe I'm just feeling really left out by my friends, or hey, maybe I just had a rough day at work that lasted 9 hours.

My life does not revolve around this guy.  I fixed that.  It's all good.

So please... let me love.  It's what I do best.

Drinking.

I stopped drinking.

For myself.  Because I can, and I feel lucky for that.

Where I am.

I don't know how to move forward from here.

I'm doing great.  Awesome even.  People keep commenting on how well I'm dealing with everything - I'm just pushing through, not laying in a bed with the sheets pulled over my head and a melting tub of ice cream sitting on the floor.

And one could even offer that I have nothing to be upset about.  Nothing happened, and here I am, and nothing is happening again.  Except the first nothing is a big fat something, and the second is a void.  A void that is becoming less of a black hole and more of a fence post hole.. but it's still kinda big.  It's a big fence post, k?

Maybe none of this makes much sense.  I've found that matters of the heart cannot be discussed using words.  There really isn't a word for love... which seems stupid, since obviously, there is.  But I can't really explain to anybody what is happening with me right now.

I'm doing active recovery... except with my emotions instead of my muscles.

You can't go back once you see a certain side of a person.  Or many different sides.  Often you only know the good of a person, and you see that one back thing that just breaks it.  In my case... I only knew the reasons why I didn't like a person, and then I saw reasons that made it for me.  And it's hard to go back from that.  I'm used to being the dreamer, the planner, the pusher.  And for once I was shutting down silly ideas, listening to plans that someone else came up with, and walking in the opposite direction (well, at a decreasing rate of speed as time went on).

And it was really nice.

I was being treated way better than any guy has ever treated me.  I felt like *one* person to somebody, and coming from a family as big as mine... well, even an overabundance of love doesn't really make you feel like *one* person.  Thing is, I love being surrounded by people, so I normally don't mind.  And I guess I never should have given in to that feeling, because it led to me feeling "too important".  And maybe I did.  Maybe I just needed to feel important, or maybe I just wanted to.  Not really sure what happened there.  But I sure as heck DIDN'T feel too important, I just wanted back whatever feeling it was that I had lost.  And maybe that's what it was.

Man, I'm really putting it out on the table tonight.  Well... I guess only people that actually care about me read this thing anyway.  So... well, you already know that I'm weird anyways.  And extremely ADD at times.  Hey, it's 1:30am.

Anyways - active recovery.  It hurts some days.  I'm still mad for most of them.  I'm not really sure what I'm angry about, so I'm assuming that that emotion is on the way out the door, which is nice.  I worry about what the future of this is going to look like all the time.  And I should stop, because that is the ammo that will destroy a friendship.  I just really wish this weren't happening.

My hope comes from the Lord

Psalm 147

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[a]   How good it is to sing praises to our God,
   how pleasant and fitting to praise him!
 ² The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
   he gathers the exiles of Israel.
³ He heals the brokenhearted
   and binds up their wounds.
⁴ He determines the number of the stars
   and calls them each by name.
⁵ Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
   his understanding has no limit. 
⁶ The LORD sustains the humble
   but casts the wicked to the ground.
 ⁷ Sing to the LORD with grateful praise;
   make music to our God on the harp.
 ⁸ He covers the sky with clouds;
   he supplies the earth with rain
   and makes grass grow on the hills.
⁹ He provides food for the cattle
   and for the young ravens when they call.
 ¹⁰ His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
   nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
¹¹ the LORD delights in those who fear him,
   who put their hope in his unfailing love.
 ¹² Extol the LORD, Jerusalem;
   praise your God, Zion.
 ¹³ He strengthens the bars of your gates
   and blesses your people within you.
¹⁴ He grants peace to your borders
   and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.
 ¹⁵ He sends his command to the earth;
   his word runs swiftly.
¹⁶ He spreads the snow like wool
   and scatters the frost like ashes.
¹⁷ He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
   Who can withstand his icy blast?
¹⁸ He sends his word and melts them;
   he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
 ¹⁹ He has revealed his word to Jacob,
   his laws and decrees to Israel.
²⁰ He has done this for no other nation;
   they do not know his laws.^[b]
   Praise the LORD.

I don't understand a bulk of this psalm.  Mainly because I can't get past the part where it says to put all of my hope in God's unfailing love.  Why can't I get that tonight?  I think that in the midst of feeling like another humans love is failing, it is so difficult to understand that God's love doesn't do that.  And maybe it is because I am so used to guys just "deciding that they do not love me" that makes it so impossible for me to accept it when I find someone who is trying to.

Love shouldn't be this hard.  I don't understand why I can't just let go like I've been doing for the past few months.  I can't understand why this is so different.  And I can't understand why there are a million reasons why this has to be so much harder.

My life is overwhelming right now.  I'm not giving up, I'm not stepping down, and I'm okay.  But the amount of strain that it is putting on my relationships is tremendous.  My life is full of amazing potential, but as always, I am the exception to the rule, and trail blazing my own little path is just... difficult.  Thankfully, people have faith in me, but their faith in my plan is lacking, which makes everything extremely hard.  I feel so incredibly blessed that I have the amount of support that I do, but it's funny how no amount of support can make up for the lack of support that you receive from someone else.  Which only proves that my focus is not on the Lord, because his support and approval are all that matters.

Which is exactly what I'm going to keep telling myself.

I'm going to beat this.

I can't even blog about most of the problems in my life, because I don't want to start stuff or spread crap.

But I need prayers.  And a lot of them.

Who am I kidding?

I deserve better than what I am dealing with right now. 

This gets pretty complicated when I really can't imagine a better big picture.  But this short term thing is absolute crap.

Because.

Because it's time to stop being selfish.
Because it's time to listen.
Because I don't know what the future holds.
Because I won't be alone.

All things work together for good...

A few TECs ago, I had the amazing experience of working with two couples whose love for God just got WAY deep down in my soul and inspired me.  Like... really.  Made me want to go out and love people.  Made religion one of those fun, couple-y things for me.  They made loving the Lord seem almost like a romantic idea - their love for one another strengthened a thousand-fold by their love for God.

And right now my heart absolutely aches for them.  I honestly just wish I knew what to say, while selfishly thankful that I don't understand what it feels like.  Yet, somehow, through all the pain and suffering that they have endured in the past year, they have remained incredibly inspirational to me.  They inspire me to pray, to love, to really appreciate, and to stop being so cotton-pickin selfish.

A small part of my heart also rejoices.  The physical pain is almost over, and emotional pain is often the fuel that keeps our hearts pumping for Jesus.  Soon, a man who has sought the Lord so diligently will meet his maker.  He has fought the good fight.  He has almost finished the race.  Ya know, I think the Lord is pretty pleased =)

Gina shared this verse on the caringbridge tonight... and it, of course, inspired me:
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28

It is so, so true.

Butch, Gina, Josh, Adrienne, and baby Kendra ~ God Loves You, and So Do I.

The "one"

So, there is a new rule in my life.

People aren't allowed to say the 'M' word.

I have something amazing.  More than amazing.  I have a relationship with someone who truly does love me, cares for me, and is protective of me.  Someone who feels the same way about my family.  I really enjoy being around his family, have an appreciation for the fact that families do not always get along, and have a decent understanding of the background of relationships.  We can talk about anything, and we are completely honest with one another - even when it really hurts... and sometimes it really does hurt.

But what this really does come down to is a conflict of interests.  I have no interest in dating someone while they are deployed overseas.  He's being deployed in 9 months.  9 months seems like a long time, but that is basically the remainder of my senior year, and then I get a job.  And then there will be a year of skype, e-mail and care packages, and possibly a leave. 

I'm not much of one for sitting around and waiting for someone to come back home for me.  And he definitely isn't going to ask me to do that.

So, what this has come down to is... I'm spending the next few years of my life just going along with things.  I feel like this guy has pretty big potential in my life, but I wish people would stop attaching the M-word to it.  It really didn't start out like that, but suddenly there was talk amongst my family about him being "the one" and crap like that... I mean, he would be a blessing, but if neither one of us are ready yet... well, i think it's up to us.

So that is my rant.

I'm just going to go about life, waiting to see if God brings another guy into my life.  The whole time praying that if I really do have the right man, he'll still have me.

If the whole world loved Jesus

If the whole world loved Jesus, man, that would be beautiful.  I would never have to worry about the salvation of one of my friends again.

But, I'm beginning to realize that if the whole world acted the way that some Christians do, this place would suck.  I mean, legitimately suck.  And believe it or not, I'm not talking about the so called "bad Christians".

I have been on the receiving end of conversations where people literally just sit there and talk about how this other person is a "bad Christian".  How they don't associate with them because they "don't really love Jesus" the way they should.

That is one of the most frustrating things that I have ever experienced.

I hear what people are telling me.  I love to get into the word.  But had there never been sin in the world, Jesus' death would have been way more meaningless.  You don't shun or look down upon the people who can't love Jesus the way you do, you reach out to them.  You know the way and you SHOW the way.  Show. the. way.  And to show anything, you have to get yourself into the places where sin exists.  And you have to remember your sin - sure, you are forgiven, but once upon a time ago, maybe you didn't realize that.

I heard a message last night, and I really loved it.  I really loved the entire thing until it got to the point where it said, "If something happened to your family, would your world be shaken?"  That actually almost made me angry.  My entire life I have been taught to realize that is the people that matter, not the things.  And I do believe that.  And I believe that God is the center of my world.  I also believe that God gave me such an amazing family because he wants me to love them and cherish them.  So yeah, I would imagine that if something happened to my family, I would be pretty freaking upset.*

Wouldn't you be?

And i get that it means, shaken to the core, probably to the point where you completely lose your faith, devastated... but still.  Part of the beautiful thing about questioning God is that his answers can be the most beautiful parts of your life.  Those moments of clarity beyond all reason.  Those sunrises that seem to speak world of healing into your soul.  The calm of a field of daisys.  Ths power of a waterfall.  The moment when your broken soul becomes whole.

My rant has run out of steam a little.  Something about the idea of me losing my family suddenly makes every other concern in my life seem a little less pressing.  But here goes the issue.

When you become so engrossed in the Word of God that you lose the capacity to LOVE the people he creates, don't you think you might be missing the Message?




*I don't want to ruin the power of that last line, but I do want to say that this section of the blog doesn't really fit WITH the rest of the blog.  The person who gave this talk was in no means a person that I feel judged by or have heard speak negatively about anybody.  It just happened to be in my "sometimes it can be rough to be a Christian" file.  That part of the blog was merely me processing something that was heavy on my heart.

While layin in the library plaza...

"You laugh at me all the time"
"It's cause I love you of course"
":)"
"Just sayin"
"Haha.  Ya know, laying out here is pretty nice :)"
"Jealous... Oh wait, I have the mountains."
"Shutyourmouth"
"Youloveme"
"You sure about that?"
"No. =("
"You poopyhead, I tell you all the time!"
"Words and actions are two different things."
"Logan.  The library is closed."
"Jordan.  I'd change the subject too."

Going through and deleting month old text messages from my phone since there are about a million and it's causing my phone to freeze up.  This one made me laugh.

L is for the way you look at me...

It's crazy.  You think you have a handle on life.  You think you've found the one.  You seem to be Mrs. Right for somebody else too.  You start making life plans.  Or, rather, your life plans start to blend with somebody else's life plans.

And then, poof... it's done.

It doesn't go out in a blaze of glory.  You aren't left crying in the middle of a parking lot.  And you aren't even all that sad.  Healthy relationships are like that I guess.  They just end.

But man, I have a whole lotta love that just needs somewhere to go.

The power of words

The power of words

I love this. And desperately need to remember it.

Computers are dumb.

Ok, so I think I'm going to drop my minor.

I realized that I was in the wrong place when I was staring at the chalkboard in my MIS class in complete and utter boredom paired with disbelief, and the rest of the class is hanging on to the edge of their seats in anticipation.  Well, almost.  I mean, honestly, why can't computers read real words just like everybody else?  If silly ol' me can read and execute a command, why can't a computer?  That's just ridiculous!  Then again, why do they have to be so complicated with all of those 1's and 0's?  Count on a computer to be just like a man, "I'm so simple!  All I require are 2 digits!" Yeah, but you have to know the "secret" code to read them.

Now, I wish I could end this blog with that statement, because it makes for a rather funny contemplation, but I will continue.

Anyways, now I get to go through my academic plan and see what I have to do to drop this class and still be full time/have credits to graduate and be on track for the CPA exam.  Because I was just itching to find something else to do.  This is what happens when God says, "Jordan's life plans?  Meet God's life plans..."

It's like coming home.

I don't know how to describe the feeling of coming back to school, but I'm pretty sure that 'euphoric' is pretty close.

I've never felt so much connection to a school before.  Even when I was at Western, I was pretty unsure what my friendships were going to be like, and trying to get over crushes that might have found significant others.  The people there were great, don't get me wrong - but even my closest group of friends weren't prepared to deal with the changes I went through over the summer.  Mainly because we didn't connect over one of the greatest constants in my life - my faith.  And man, was that first summer a huge catapult into the person that I am today!

And as everybody knows... that just didn't work out.

When I got to UNCC last year, I was pretty lonely.  I had about 3 actual friends, and knew only a handful of people from the previous year when I commuted.  Sure, about a million people from Rowan County go to UNCC, but I hadn't seen most of those people in 2 or 3 years, and like most friendships from high school... You just don't always want to go there.

But, I really can't tell you how relieved I was to walk into Business Law and see Nicole Rufty sitting in the 3rd row.  Or maybe it was the 4th.  I knew that, if anything, I had a friend to talk to every Monday & Wednesday =)

Over the course of the year, I made many, many friends.  I had several different groups of friends in Witherspoon (all whom have moved out, for the most part) and my current roommate came from there too.  And I found BAP.

I feel like everywhere that I go, I see a familiar face that looks genuinely happy to see me, and I love it!  I've had several dinners and a party and about a million hugs happen throughout the last few days, and I still feel like there are about a million more to go!  I feel like there are amazing friendships everywhere that I turn, and it's mainly because of that that I don't worry about friendships lost.

It's just crazy to know that this time next year, I'm going to be looking for a job, or already have one.

Wait, did I just say that?

My 8-5 blessing.

I don't talk about my job on social networking sites. Mainly because from the corporate point of view, they hire people to get information out to the public, and that person is not me - my words, not theirs.  but I have figured out something that I can say.

I work with the most incredible people.  incredible in the way that they are so knowledgable and often, wise, yet they are so genuine and down to earth at the same time. I have never felt like people look at me and think, "oh, she's just an intern, I don't have time to get to know her" honestly, athough I am temporary and am pretty limited as to what kind of input I can offer, people seem to have a strong curiosity about my life.  nd they are never too busy to help me fix the copier.  I really feel lucky that a corporation as large and well known as DE was willing to give me  the chance to proove myself, and I wouldn't trade my experience for the world.

I typed this on my blackberry,  please exusce any errors.

A place apart...

I should be asleep because 5:45 a.m. is gonna come early, but I think I'm just going to write a little before i get there.

Today a family of about 70 people went their separate ways from camp.  It has to happen.  There are some days when you welcome the idea of sleep and fewer responsibilities, and there are some days that you want to run screaming in the other direction.  I mean, the place is so incredibly blessed that it almost seems magical.

A month and a half ago, i showed up at this place in dark depths of dispair.  I mean, I was competing with the San Andres fault, and the earths iron core was starting to get a little nervous.  At home, I am surrounded by people who love me, but at camp, I was surrounded by strangers who loved me.  They loved me for simple reasons like an extra hand to clean up a bathroom, or somebody else to help set the dining hall.  But still, they welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I had been there from the very beginning.  But, just love can't break down the walls that I had built.

That's where God decided I needed a direct line.  As in... "Jordan... I love you.  You are lovable by yourself.  Your mistakes are gone, and you just have to forgive..."  Right smack in the middle of the dining hall while I was putting out forks for Wednesday dinner.  Kid you freaking not.  I walked into the dining hall probably a little worse than a mess... and I walked out with a new purpose in my life.  Staff worship was focused on healing.  So, after I came to terms with everything that I needed to move past in life, Pastor Mary swooped in and told a powerful story on healing, and made it interactive.  By the time I walked out of that craft lodge, I knew that I was going to be just fine.  I knew how blessed I was.  And I knew that I was on my way to being happier than I had been in a long time.

I just had no idea how amazing this happiness would feel.

I just got back from spending just half a week with these people.  And I feel so rejuvenated.  This time, it was my faith.  I've been so happy lately, and I've just moved away from the real reason I experience this happiness - because God gave it to me.  I can't express how powerful the Spirit was this week.  How I just couldn't stop myself from smiling as I sang praises this morning.  How I was so happy that I had to laugh out loud during the Friday night closing circle with E*Hill.  And how I felt like I had died and gone to heaven while standing between Janet and Rebecca and trying to do the motions to Lord I Lift Your Name On High while still holding hands.  Everything about camp just makes me feel so full of the Spirit.

And all of this happened in just 11 days.

I have to admit that I wouldn't have been so open to all of these transformations had it not been for the incredible people both at camp and outside of camp.  Camp is the catalyst, the thing that grabs me and says, "Hey, shut up and listen for a second.  You are about to miss something really important" but I couldn't have done it without the prayers, the encouragement, and the tons of time that people have spent listening to me. 

goodmorning goodnight

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

3rd blog in one night... holy cow!

Today has been one of those days where I have been so unproductive because I am just constantly thinking.

And I get it.  I finally understand why I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I come to blogspot to get it out...

After every terrible relationship, I promise myself that I won't let it happen again.  And normally, it happens again without me even realizing it.  This time, I was completely aware of how bad I was botching up my own life that I could barely look at myself in the mirror some mornings.  When you compromise yourself so much in a relationship that you leave and realize that you don't even recognize yourself anymore... it really does something to you... mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It is absolutely awful.  I didn't just give in... I more of less opened my arms and said "I'm a clean slate.  The person that I've worked to become the last 21 years is scrapped and it is up to you."

Yeah.  That isn't how life works.  The ONLY person allowed to change my life like that is God, and me.  I have worked for 22 years to become the person that I want to be.  And quite frankly, I'll be darned if that person isn't good enough for somebody.  Or maybe they will.  Either way, I'm out of the equation.

I'm also out like a light.  I'm exhausted and it's 1am.  All new stay up late record for me.

Because I know I sound a little down.

I know my posts lately seem like i'm going *backwards* in my progress towards happiness... but in fact, I really feel like this is part of the process.  Instead of just hiding in my end of the world, I'm actually facing my demons and confronting things.  I'm not angry, I'm not really cynical, I'm very happy being single and I love the fact that I'm not settling to be completely unhappy anymore.   Because just thinking about that is actually kind of depressing. But I'm trying to get to the point where it just becomes part of my past and I can truly forgive myself for allowing any of it to happen.

But all I really need is another week at camp... which I get next week.  And I couldn't be more excited about!

I laughed at this kid in high school...

So, the guy I last let borrow my heart told me that he would even consider me his ex... which i told him was kinda stupid and insulting, and not everything had to be on facebook to be in existence.  Which he *used* to believe.  Or something.

But, he is beginning to constantly prove himself to be the guy that I made fun of relentlessly behind his back.  Which obviously makes me not the best person, but hey, it was high school.

Ya know, the kid who turns asking a girl out into a proposal.  I mean... come on.  Nobody is going to look at a ring on this poor girls finger and say "aww, he proposed when he asked her out."  They are going to say... "wow.  that's really freaking creepy.  Guys like that are so pathetic."  Why?  because I used to look at my boyfriend and say, thanks babe, I'm glad our word is enough. Plus, when people aside from my parents get me rings, it always leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.

This guy gave ME a ring too.  My response: Ya know, this ring does nothing but piss me off.  I mean, who the hell says, "with this ring I dump your butt"?  It just kinda makes the meaning of THAT ring, ya know, the one that will eventually have diamonds in it, completely pointless.

But, now that I'm done wallowing in self pity because I actually dated that guy that I made fun of in high school... I'm gonna watch a movie with the man who is here to visit.  Yep!  Logan is here for another weekend... and right now he's actually asleep, so i'm probably just gonna go sleep in the guest room instead.  ahaha.  gotta love it =)

sometimes ya just gotta say it

I haven't blogged in a while.

Lately I've felt kinda bad about some things.  I just seem to be so stuck with part of this forgiveness thing.  It is so hard to forgive somebody when they really seem to be the person who came in a destroyed all natural order.  So I'm working on it.  I honestly can't say she doesn't deserve the crap he's going to eventually give her.  I'm not doing to say that she deserves it either - not my place.


I also feel terrible about the frustration I know that I've caused a lot of people.  I was extremely unhappy with myself for a pretty long time.  Basically, since sometime in October, I've been struggling to overcome some giant road block that prevented me from basic happiness or satisfaction with most parts of my life.  And I took that out on my roommates the most.  And then probably my friends Brittany and Will after that.

Kylie and Carrie are absolutely incredible people.  They helped me through problems that they didn't even really have any idea what it felt like to be me.  They loved me, listened to me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and once Carrie even asked to pray with me, but they never told me to get over myself, or told me that my problems were stupid.  Even though some of my problems were definitely pretty stupid, and I brought most of them on myself at some point in my life.  I've never met two people who smiled at me even though they knew that I would spend the entire time we were getting ready for class complaining about my bad relationship or how much I wanted to be in or out of my bad relationship.  I was a mess, but they never let on that they minded.

Honestly, the part that makes me feel the worst is that they both found the most incredible guys this year, and it took so much for me to show how happy I was for them.  I was thrilled that they found such great people to spend their time with, but I was green with envy.... but definitely not that pretty grass shade of green.  I was more of a toxic ooze color.

So... now that I've gotten really tired and want to go to bed now, I'm just going to stop writing.  But, I'm going to make it up to these people in my life.  This year is going to be different, and I am going to be happy.  And I am going to be happy for them... and show them how thankful I am that they are in my life.

The end.

Happy

For those who really know me... you know that happiness for me is intense, yet fleeting.  It isn't that I'm a sad person... but I could probably be the butt of a bipolar joke on a bad day.  It isn't exactly a sob story - I mean, gosh... I'm so incredibly blessed, and when I look back on many, MANY parts of my life... I can't help but smile until I feel like I might break.

But the last 8 or so years have been a pretty big struggle.  I've never really been a person to date.  I don't typically have "official" relationships... in fact, the more official the title, the shorter they last.  I've more or less resorted to having a "person" - a loose term that describes a variety of relationships.  Basically... it's somebody that I can write home too... if I did that sort of thing and they lived back home.

This has always been a frustrating aspect of my life.  Being notoriously single and subjecting myself to commitment without the actual commitment has done what you would expect it to do : filled that aching hole inside of me only to make it bigger when they decide to "peace out".  A lot of people kept saying "Hey, enjoy it while you can!  You'll find that special person one day!"

Quite frankly... those people could shove it then (and now).  When you've been officially single for 7 of the last 8 years... well... you get the idea that you've pretty much run out of things to enjoy.  Or at least that is how I felt until a few weeks ago.

Today... I am so very happy.  I'm looking at the relationships around me... and delighted to find no hint of jealousy remaining and even find joy in the happiness of others.  I've come to terms that I'm glad my past relationship is over - it wasn't healthy, and it really wasn't all that happy.  Sure, I laughed, and I'm sure that one day we will enjoy our old jokes and be able to start our friendship over again - actually, I'm excited that we will probably have that chance.  But right now, it's good that we are apart and not really talking.  And even better that we aren't "together".   I mean.. I'm pretty sure i'm not hurting anybody's feelings when I say that.

So right now... I'm just so content with life.  I'm not single because nobody wants to be with me... I'm single because I'm not meant to just be found... I'm meant to be discovered by someone so lost in the Lord that he accidentally stumbles across me.  There is that person out there who God made especially for me... and one day we will meet and I won't experience the same brokenness as before.

I don't "need" to find a guy to like me anymore.  That need has been filled by God, and by self-love and self-confidence and self-discovery.  When that guy finds me... he'll just have to make his own space in my life <3

Ya know, I'm terrible at getting on this thing.  Normally my days are so hectic that living them once is exhausting enough!!!

At the moment, I'm reading through letters from Anna-Leigh and they are making me miss her terribly!!!  I do have such a sweet little sister, and reading through everybody else's letter reminds me of how unique each of our relationships are, and how well we know each other.  So, here are a few recaps of things that she's written:

She wrote to Katelyn about the music that she's listened to and how she's writing down lyrics to the songs that she likes so that she can download the music.  She also felt the need to share that she had to pee for 2 hours before they stopped at a rest stop.  I just had to laugh!  She's also gone on about how long the ride is and the food that they are eating, it's so funny!

She also sent us a few postcards.  Apparently she took a pretty sunset picture for Katelyn & I, and she's getting Daddy a keychain for Father's day.  Oh, and the Alamo is boring (agreed.)

In my letter, she's talking about where she sits on the bus.  Apparently, a kid named Dom was sitting beside of her and he fell asleep.  Anna took it upon herself to sit his head straight up so that he wouldn't wake up with a crick in his neck.  I really had to laugh out loud at that one - what a sweetheart!

Saying Yes

“Don’t be afraid to be a fool.
Remember, you cannot be both
young and wise.
Young people who pretend
to be wise to the ways of the world
are mostly just cynics.
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom,
but it is the farthest thing from it.
Because cynics don’t learn anything.
Because cynicism is a
self-imposed blindness,
a rejection of the world
because we are afraid
it will hurt us or disappoint us.
Cynics always say no.
But saying yes begins things.
Saying yes is how things grow.
Saying yes leads to knowledge.
“Yes” is for young people.
So for as long as you have the strength to,
say yes.”

— Stephen Colbert, via Dave

Lovers Anonymous

So, I really guess that this could be an immature rambling.  I also believe that everybody hits a point where life is such a mess that they don't know where to start.  Well, this is the part that I just overcame and I honestly could not be happier.

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Oh. My. Gosh.  I think I just had an Epiphany.  [Oh how I wish about a million camp people actually read this.  But they most definitely have better things to do.  At camp.]

I'm sitting in the shower, frustrated at the amount of friendships that I let fall by the wayside and self-destruct over one lousy guy.  I mean, I wish I could say that I came out of the whole situation thankful for the opportunity to love, but quite frankly... I'm just not there yet.

In fact, this past semester, it was more than one guy.  Here I was, desperately handing out little paper replicas of my heart just trying to find someone to actually love me back, and instead found myself discarded, forgotten or ripped into pieces.

And once more, I spend days moping around wondering why I waste my precious time, or equally precious LOVE on people who just refuse to love me back.  These aren't always people who don't want my love... they just don't want to replenish it.

And then I realize - my default state is love.  I've spent my entire life being preached to (and doing a little preaching myself) about the benefits of giving love, and the kind of love that should be given.  And one of the greatest benefits is that you end up having MORE.  And no wonder I find myself so down in the freaking dumps when people forget to love me back.

But my love is not my own - it is God's, and boy is it relentless.  No, I am not claiming that the lust I feel for these men is God created (although it can pretty relentless)... I am talking about the love and devotion I feel for people because they are human.  The desire to protect, comfort and support.  The quality that has always made me so "intense".

So, here I am in this relationship that is clearly not the ideal Christian relationship and I am almost constantly angry because I have literally loved until I am breaking my heart into pieces just trying to make more.  And what do I receive back?  Well... "I don't love you... but I like to hear that you love me."  Ok, people... this is where every single wrinkle of your brain is screaming, "Alright, this is bad, Bad, BAD news.  Get out.  Salvage your reputation.  Run." but the Christian heart is screaming... LOVE ONE ANOTHER. LOVE ONE ANOTHER. THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE.  LOVE YOUR ENEMY. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LOVE THE IDIOT.  So I do.  And I do.  And I do.  And because I am human... I concentrate al of the love right there, instead of spreading it to people who actually want to love me back.

And finally... I just stopped.  No, I didn't stop loving... I just realized that I was going to have to redirect my efforts to other people - people who understand the human need to love and be loved, and people who are willing to fill up this giant chasm in my life.  People like this are no longer welcome, at least not for now... unrequited love feels like a pick-axe to my heart right now, a feeling of complete nausea that leaves me unable to function.  So... no, you aren't allowed to feed my addiction to love until I break.

I feel that there should be an organization called "Lovers Anonymous", but in no way do I believe.

And God, this is something that I can change.

drive-in :)

Quote of the night: My grandmother:  Mormons go to the drive in?

Well, rght now asitting in the back o Billy's open top, open sides, open everything, eally, Jeep. which was nice when it was hot outside.  now it is cld. write more later.

Baby Steps

I think the greatest lesson that I will learn this summer is that I will continue to be blessed in ways that I will not understand.  Maybe I will turn someone's day around.  Maybe I will find love that is willing to give me a reason to trust.  Maybe I will just find a way to be content with who I am.  But the only way to get out of what has consumed me is to take baby steps.  And that means finding a way to be patient.

Yeah, this daily thing really isn't working.

Yesterday I had a mock interview and it went REALLY WELL!   This doesn't seem like a huge deal to a lot of people, but the entire idea of a person sitting down and asking me questions just terrifies me!  Afterwards, I got to hang out with Stefan for a while, and it was really nice to finally see somebody from school.

Yesterday I also applied for the Duke Energy Tax Internship.  Send up some prayers and keep your fingers crossed!  It took me a long time to get past the fact that I really miss camp and finally get excited about this opportunity.  It isn't the fact that I am not going BACK to camp so much as it really just means that I won't be able to volunteer as often as I would like... if I get to volunteer at all.  It is just a really big mountain to climb.

Stefan and I also figured out that I have spent the last year trying to find the song "Still Alive" from the game "Portals".  For some reason I thought that it was from Red vs. Blue, but I think I was really just associating it with XBox.

I have also gone on a sheet music frenzy because Logan will be coming in a few weeks.  He really enjoys to hear me play, and I haven't actually practiced in so long - it has been really nice.  I really love sight-reading music, and hopefully I will have the chance to do some memorizing while I practice!

I haven't been working out as much the last few days because I am pretty sore, but I am really close to buying the zumba game for the PS3 Move so that I can work out while I am at home.  I am planning to do p90x later, but we'll see how that goes!  People back home actually eat when it is time to eat.. which means that I spend a lot of time full and not really in the mood to do anything intense!  Not good!

Dude!  Mama made some FUNFETTI COOKIES yesterday!  I had no idea that those things even existed!  They are SO PRETTY!

Anyways, I should go ahead and shower because I have to go help Mama out at school later today and I look a little bit gross.

Day 8

Today was my Mama's Birthday!  Happy Birthday MAMA!!!

I also took my little sister to World Hope Worship Center in exchange for her to go to St. John's Lutheran next Sunday.  While it wasn't my thing, it is definitely hers, and also preaches a decent message.  So I told her that I would continue to take her as long as she goes to a Lutheran church every other Sunday.  looks like we struck a deal.

Nannie & I also had to move everything in the carport in order to protect our cars from storms.  3 oyster tables, with stands, 2 oyster cookers, with stands and all their parts.  Then we also moved a bunch of random Fish Fry equipment, lots of planting and garden supplies, and other random farm equipment.  It was craziness!  And then by the time we finished, the storm had passed.  It took all of 20 minutes.  But, we're pretty hardcore =)

I also prepared a few, ok, 2, interview questions, and looked at some of the tips.  I also looked at some of the Tuscaloosa damage.  It's still terrible.  Keep praying for those people.

Weather.com is one of the scariest sites around these days.

Day 7

Today I learned how to make homemade pimento cheese.  The recipe?
- a whole lotta cheese
- 1/4 a jar of Duke's Mayo
- 1 jar of canned pimentos

Nannie and I also bought a top to the birdbath because we are tired of it looking ghetto.

The family and I went to a play at the children's theater.  Turns out one of the stars was a camper from my area during music week.  I spent the entire play trying to figure out -how- I knew hew, and knew that Mama's best friends kid was not the answer.   She was pretty phenomenal.  She played Lucy in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  One of Mama's students played Edmund - he was pretty awesome too.  Truly a talented bunch.

Since I missed Wednesday, Thursday and Friday..
I don't really remember much from Wednesday, but we did have family over for dinner.  I finally got so bored that I went to walk around Wal Mart for a while.  That helped out a lot.

Thursday, I dropped Jake Poppy off in Rockwell before going to the Y to workout.  Working out lasted all of 45 minutes, because I've put it off for so long.  Then I went to the dentist (and now understand why everybody hates it.  Why must the lady hack away at my already clean teeth?  I should not leave in pain.) and found out from the eye doctor that my eyes are actually worse then they were.  Wow.

Friday, I was reunited with some of my favorite people in the world and I'm super excited to get to spend lots of time with EMILY HORTON this summer!  Woooooot!

Day 3:

Well, since I obviously forgot to blog yesterday, I'm just going to tell you what I did.

J.Michael, Chris and I went to Mamaw Jeans for a delicious dinner of Salmon patties, rice and butter peas.  And of course mini-strawberry shortcake's for dessert.

I spent most of the afternoon cleaning the kitchen for Jake Poppy, and then baking not one, but TWO GIANT blueberry cobblers.  Which the family gobbled up for Dinner =)

And then I laid in my room for a while, just kinda vegging out.  It was kinda nice.

Day 2

2pm : Apparently I left candy in one of my drawers.  I'm pretty sure that it has been there for a while, but creatures finally found it.  Something also found a sweater in one of my drawers.  This will definitely involve a lot of laundry and cleaning.  Good thing I have a lot of time.

8:30 pm : Baked peanut butter brownies, ate dinner, and edited a picture.  Thinking about the amount of adjusting that this summer will take.  Trying to explain to my little sister the meaning of having a job that isn't super flexible.  We'll see how this works out for her.

Today, I used Picnik for the first time.  I have a feeling that this is going to be addicting.

This is "Wisp" on the way to eat dinner for Will's 21st birthday.  I wasn't aware that the girls were included in "Wisp" until the other morning... and I'm still not sure about that.  But for lack of a better name... there we are.

Day 1:

So, this summer is about me doing all the things that I've put off for the last 3 years.  I am in no way insinuating that the last 3 summers have not been completely worth it, but hey, they were a little bit busy.  Yep, that's sarcasm.

So this is where I talk about my life, my adventures, and my learnings.  I haven't quite decided how this summers happenings will be discussed, be it in the form of high/low/uhohs or maybe just something that I am thankful for, but I want to write something every day.


So today, day one... I'm thankful for the past two semesters.  They changed me and blessed me in ways that I don't think I have realized yet.  I just know that things happened that could have left me broken and bitter, but I am not.  And I owe a great deal of that to the incredible people that were with me the entire time.  I cannot thank you enough.

And I'm thankful that I had something that I found to be worth fighting for.  It was nice to have that kind of passion in my life again.