Who am I kidding?

I deserve better than what I am dealing with right now. 

This gets pretty complicated when I really can't imagine a better big picture.  But this short term thing is absolute crap.

Because.

Because it's time to stop being selfish.
Because it's time to listen.
Because I don't know what the future holds.
Because I won't be alone.

All things work together for good...

A few TECs ago, I had the amazing experience of working with two couples whose love for God just got WAY deep down in my soul and inspired me.  Like... really.  Made me want to go out and love people.  Made religion one of those fun, couple-y things for me.  They made loving the Lord seem almost like a romantic idea - their love for one another strengthened a thousand-fold by their love for God.

And right now my heart absolutely aches for them.  I honestly just wish I knew what to say, while selfishly thankful that I don't understand what it feels like.  Yet, somehow, through all the pain and suffering that they have endured in the past year, they have remained incredibly inspirational to me.  They inspire me to pray, to love, to really appreciate, and to stop being so cotton-pickin selfish.

A small part of my heart also rejoices.  The physical pain is almost over, and emotional pain is often the fuel that keeps our hearts pumping for Jesus.  Soon, a man who has sought the Lord so diligently will meet his maker.  He has fought the good fight.  He has almost finished the race.  Ya know, I think the Lord is pretty pleased =)

Gina shared this verse on the caringbridge tonight... and it, of course, inspired me:
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28

It is so, so true.

Butch, Gina, Josh, Adrienne, and baby Kendra ~ God Loves You, and So Do I.

The "one"

So, there is a new rule in my life.

People aren't allowed to say the 'M' word.

I have something amazing.  More than amazing.  I have a relationship with someone who truly does love me, cares for me, and is protective of me.  Someone who feels the same way about my family.  I really enjoy being around his family, have an appreciation for the fact that families do not always get along, and have a decent understanding of the background of relationships.  We can talk about anything, and we are completely honest with one another - even when it really hurts... and sometimes it really does hurt.

But what this really does come down to is a conflict of interests.  I have no interest in dating someone while they are deployed overseas.  He's being deployed in 9 months.  9 months seems like a long time, but that is basically the remainder of my senior year, and then I get a job.  And then there will be a year of skype, e-mail and care packages, and possibly a leave. 

I'm not much of one for sitting around and waiting for someone to come back home for me.  And he definitely isn't going to ask me to do that.

So, what this has come down to is... I'm spending the next few years of my life just going along with things.  I feel like this guy has pretty big potential in my life, but I wish people would stop attaching the M-word to it.  It really didn't start out like that, but suddenly there was talk amongst my family about him being "the one" and crap like that... I mean, he would be a blessing, but if neither one of us are ready yet... well, i think it's up to us.

So that is my rant.

I'm just going to go about life, waiting to see if God brings another guy into my life.  The whole time praying that if I really do have the right man, he'll still have me.

If the whole world loved Jesus

If the whole world loved Jesus, man, that would be beautiful.  I would never have to worry about the salvation of one of my friends again.

But, I'm beginning to realize that if the whole world acted the way that some Christians do, this place would suck.  I mean, legitimately suck.  And believe it or not, I'm not talking about the so called "bad Christians".

I have been on the receiving end of conversations where people literally just sit there and talk about how this other person is a "bad Christian".  How they don't associate with them because they "don't really love Jesus" the way they should.

That is one of the most frustrating things that I have ever experienced.

I hear what people are telling me.  I love to get into the word.  But had there never been sin in the world, Jesus' death would have been way more meaningless.  You don't shun or look down upon the people who can't love Jesus the way you do, you reach out to them.  You know the way and you SHOW the way.  Show. the. way.  And to show anything, you have to get yourself into the places where sin exists.  And you have to remember your sin - sure, you are forgiven, but once upon a time ago, maybe you didn't realize that.

I heard a message last night, and I really loved it.  I really loved the entire thing until it got to the point where it said, "If something happened to your family, would your world be shaken?"  That actually almost made me angry.  My entire life I have been taught to realize that is the people that matter, not the things.  And I do believe that.  And I believe that God is the center of my world.  I also believe that God gave me such an amazing family because he wants me to love them and cherish them.  So yeah, I would imagine that if something happened to my family, I would be pretty freaking upset.*

Wouldn't you be?

And i get that it means, shaken to the core, probably to the point where you completely lose your faith, devastated... but still.  Part of the beautiful thing about questioning God is that his answers can be the most beautiful parts of your life.  Those moments of clarity beyond all reason.  Those sunrises that seem to speak world of healing into your soul.  The calm of a field of daisys.  Ths power of a waterfall.  The moment when your broken soul becomes whole.

My rant has run out of steam a little.  Something about the idea of me losing my family suddenly makes every other concern in my life seem a little less pressing.  But here goes the issue.

When you become so engrossed in the Word of God that you lose the capacity to LOVE the people he creates, don't you think you might be missing the Message?




*I don't want to ruin the power of that last line, but I do want to say that this section of the blog doesn't really fit WITH the rest of the blog.  The person who gave this talk was in no means a person that I feel judged by or have heard speak negatively about anybody.  It just happened to be in my "sometimes it can be rough to be a Christian" file.  That part of the blog was merely me processing something that was heavy on my heart.

While layin in the library plaza...

"You laugh at me all the time"
"It's cause I love you of course"
":)"
"Just sayin"
"Haha.  Ya know, laying out here is pretty nice :)"
"Jealous... Oh wait, I have the mountains."
"Shutyourmouth"
"Youloveme"
"You sure about that?"
"No. =("
"You poopyhead, I tell you all the time!"
"Words and actions are two different things."
"Logan.  The library is closed."
"Jordan.  I'd change the subject too."

Going through and deleting month old text messages from my phone since there are about a million and it's causing my phone to freeze up.  This one made me laugh.