Lovers Anonymous

So, I really guess that this could be an immature rambling.  I also believe that everybody hits a point where life is such a mess that they don't know where to start.  Well, this is the part that I just overcame and I honestly could not be happier.

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Oh. My. Gosh.  I think I just had an Epiphany.  [Oh how I wish about a million camp people actually read this.  But they most definitely have better things to do.  At camp.]

I'm sitting in the shower, frustrated at the amount of friendships that I let fall by the wayside and self-destruct over one lousy guy.  I mean, I wish I could say that I came out of the whole situation thankful for the opportunity to love, but quite frankly... I'm just not there yet.

In fact, this past semester, it was more than one guy.  Here I was, desperately handing out little paper replicas of my heart just trying to find someone to actually love me back, and instead found myself discarded, forgotten or ripped into pieces.

And once more, I spend days moping around wondering why I waste my precious time, or equally precious LOVE on people who just refuse to love me back.  These aren't always people who don't want my love... they just don't want to replenish it.

And then I realize - my default state is love.  I've spent my entire life being preached to (and doing a little preaching myself) about the benefits of giving love, and the kind of love that should be given.  And one of the greatest benefits is that you end up having MORE.  And no wonder I find myself so down in the freaking dumps when people forget to love me back.

But my love is not my own - it is God's, and boy is it relentless.  No, I am not claiming that the lust I feel for these men is God created (although it can pretty relentless)... I am talking about the love and devotion I feel for people because they are human.  The desire to protect, comfort and support.  The quality that has always made me so "intense".

So, here I am in this relationship that is clearly not the ideal Christian relationship and I am almost constantly angry because I have literally loved until I am breaking my heart into pieces just trying to make more.  And what do I receive back?  Well... "I don't love you... but I like to hear that you love me."  Ok, people... this is where every single wrinkle of your brain is screaming, "Alright, this is bad, Bad, BAD news.  Get out.  Salvage your reputation.  Run." but the Christian heart is screaming... LOVE ONE ANOTHER. LOVE ONE ANOTHER. THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE.  LOVE YOUR ENEMY. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LOVE THE IDIOT.  So I do.  And I do.  And I do.  And because I am human... I concentrate al of the love right there, instead of spreading it to people who actually want to love me back.

And finally... I just stopped.  No, I didn't stop loving... I just realized that I was going to have to redirect my efforts to other people - people who understand the human need to love and be loved, and people who are willing to fill up this giant chasm in my life.  People like this are no longer welcome, at least not for now... unrequited love feels like a pick-axe to my heart right now, a feeling of complete nausea that leaves me unable to function.  So... no, you aren't allowed to feed my addiction to love until I break.

I feel that there should be an organization called "Lovers Anonymous", but in no way do I believe.

And God, this is something that I can change.