(217): just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

(778): Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

(916): Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

(401): You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

(516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

(530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

(330): I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

(727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"