Where I am.

I don't know how to move forward from here.

I'm doing great.  Awesome even.  People keep commenting on how well I'm dealing with everything - I'm just pushing through, not laying in a bed with the sheets pulled over my head and a melting tub of ice cream sitting on the floor.

And one could even offer that I have nothing to be upset about.  Nothing happened, and here I am, and nothing is happening again.  Except the first nothing is a big fat something, and the second is a void.  A void that is becoming less of a black hole and more of a fence post hole.. but it's still kinda big.  It's a big fence post, k?

Maybe none of this makes much sense.  I've found that matters of the heart cannot be discussed using words.  There really isn't a word for love... which seems stupid, since obviously, there is.  But I can't really explain to anybody what is happening with me right now.

I'm doing active recovery... except with my emotions instead of my muscles.

You can't go back once you see a certain side of a person.  Or many different sides.  Often you only know the good of a person, and you see that one back thing that just breaks it.  In my case... I only knew the reasons why I didn't like a person, and then I saw reasons that made it for me.  And it's hard to go back from that.  I'm used to being the dreamer, the planner, the pusher.  And for once I was shutting down silly ideas, listening to plans that someone else came up with, and walking in the opposite direction (well, at a decreasing rate of speed as time went on).

And it was really nice.

I was being treated way better than any guy has ever treated me.  I felt like *one* person to somebody, and coming from a family as big as mine... well, even an overabundance of love doesn't really make you feel like *one* person.  Thing is, I love being surrounded by people, so I normally don't mind.  And I guess I never should have given in to that feeling, because it led to me feeling "too important".  And maybe I did.  Maybe I just needed to feel important, or maybe I just wanted to.  Not really sure what happened there.  But I sure as heck DIDN'T feel too important, I just wanted back whatever feeling it was that I had lost.  And maybe that's what it was.

Man, I'm really putting it out on the table tonight.  Well... I guess only people that actually care about me read this thing anyway.  So... well, you already know that I'm weird anyways.  And extremely ADD at times.  Hey, it's 1:30am.

Anyways - active recovery.  It hurts some days.  I'm still mad for most of them.  I'm not really sure what I'm angry about, so I'm assuming that that emotion is on the way out the door, which is nice.  I worry about what the future of this is going to look like all the time.  And I should stop, because that is the ammo that will destroy a friendship.  I just really wish this weren't happening.