In the business of changing hearts.

I use my Facebook for ministry.  Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't - but I have been told that I remind people to rely on Jesus, and I take that pretty seriously.  So, what I'm about to type out is personal.  I don't want to talk about everything that is happening right now - believe me, I feel like I am in constant dialogue with God.
I told my Mom today that "God had me all convinced that He is in the business of changing hearts.  What a crock of crap.  How am I supposed to believe that when nothing ever really changes?"  She just looked at me and said, "God didn't lie to you.  He does change hearts.  Are you sure you feel like celebrating your birthday?"
I got in the shower tonight and I was furious.  I stood there, fists clenched and just let water hit my face until I had to breathe.  So many questions.  So little time given for answers.  "God.  Why?"  "God.  How?"  "God?  What am I supposed to do now?"  The list goes on.
I have had far too many less-than-proud moments in my life.  So many moments where tears are streaming down my face while I appear to be screaming at the red light in front of me, and the person sitting in the car next to me is probably trying to figure out how they can get as far away from me as fast as possible.  I've been embarrassed to find mself fighting back tears in church, in seminars, in class, and heck, even in my bosses office.  I have written prayers on homework, on the back of my mid-year review, on bulletins, and sticky notes - and I actually have a "prayer journal" that I generally have access to.  When my heart breaks for something, it just absolutely flies to pieces.
I'll admit, no matter how many sermons I hear about waiting patiently, God is on my rapid response team.  When I pray for peace, I probably needed it about twenty minutes ago.  I want to feel better.  I want the pain to subside.  I want him to start taking the miniscule pieces of my broken heart and start piecing them together, and all the while, I am asking him to go to work on the person or situation that hurt me.  Good work - change their heart.  Help them to know what they did to me.  Please forgive them...  Over and over again until I am just emotionally spent.  I'm probably going to get to heaven and someone is going to say, "Oh my gosh.  I know that voice.  We could hear you ALL THE WAY UP HERE.  WE COULD HERE YOU.  THERE WAS NO REASON TO GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT GIVING IT ALL UP TO GOD.  He already had the situation under control."
So tonight, as I got into my shower, I was gearing up for a fight.  I had typed out and erased about a dozen text messages.  I had replayed about a million 'what if?' conversations in my head.  And I kept coming to the same conclusion.  Mind you, this was not a conclusion that I was terribly excited about, but I'm not one to argue with omnipotence.  Eh, I'm not one to ignore it anyways.
I can't tell you the moment that I knew what I had to do.  I know that by the time I scrubbed my face, I had made up my mind on what to do next.  I have a book called "Wilderness Skills for Women" by Marian Jordan.  [A wilderness can be anything: a bad grade, an empty friendship, a break-up, losing a job, a miscarriage, an unwanted pregnancy, infertiility, an unfulfilling marriage.] I've recommended it to dozens of women.  Here's a confession - I've never really gotten through the fifth chapter.  In the book, Jordan takes you through various things in life that might feel like a wilderness.  I've read through the "Wilderness of Rejection" probably 15 times.  I've prayed my way through the "Wilderness of Temptation" about five.  Tonight was my second time of attempting the "Wilderness of Despair".  This is exactly where God was telling me to go.  "Get yourself together.  And ask Me to show you what I want you to see."
So, uh, let's start with the exact second I picked up the book.  On the front, a post-it that read, "Jesus, I want to love you more than I love anything else.  Love, Jordan"  Given the love that I have for my boyfriend, that's always been a huge concern.  Read post-it #2: Ezekiel 36:26-27, "26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."  Okay, Gooooooooodddddddd.  I prayed about it.  I marked it in my Bible, put a post-it note on my computer (love those things) and decided to move on.
Next step - Open book.  I generally read over the last page that I covered before I start the next chapter.  Right there, in black and white, "God has a purpose for my pain.  He will use it for good."  And in clambors the rapid response team.  Suddenly, I am absolutely alive with a need for information, the need to climb up in the Lord's lap and just soak up all the love, devotion, attention, and proof that I came to God searching for.   I had no choice, I had to stop and just be in awe of my Creator.  It is a truth I know - I've known - God will use my pain for good.  He has proven this to me over and over again.
Turn the page.  Chapter 6.  Romans 5:3-5 just pops right out and smacks me on the forehead (and heart): Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  Well, I'll be.  I sat here, just stunned.  Could God has spoken any more clearly into my life, into my situation?  As a human, how quick I am to freeze, to become frustrated, and to challenge the God with the situations in my life.  I know that my good merits are not required to be reciprocated with things that I perceive as blessings.  It is not my wisdom that determines what is best for me in my life.  But is that not what I expect anyways?  I was so thankful for this, so why would I deserve to have it taken away?  I mean, honestly, I just don't say thank you enough for anything, and there is no stretch of the imagination in which I actually deserve the blessings that just rain down on my head.  But I expect them, and I sometimes become angry when they don't show up the way I expect.
But they do show up when I unclench my fists, hit my knees, and bow my head.  It turns out that God is still in the business of changing hearts - tonight, he changed mine.