Happy

For those who really know me... you know that happiness for me is intense, yet fleeting.  It isn't that I'm a sad person... but I could probably be the butt of a bipolar joke on a bad day.  It isn't exactly a sob story - I mean, gosh... I'm so incredibly blessed, and when I look back on many, MANY parts of my life... I can't help but smile until I feel like I might break.

But the last 8 or so years have been a pretty big struggle.  I've never really been a person to date.  I don't typically have "official" relationships... in fact, the more official the title, the shorter they last.  I've more or less resorted to having a "person" - a loose term that describes a variety of relationships.  Basically... it's somebody that I can write home too... if I did that sort of thing and they lived back home.

This has always been a frustrating aspect of my life.  Being notoriously single and subjecting myself to commitment without the actual commitment has done what you would expect it to do : filled that aching hole inside of me only to make it bigger when they decide to "peace out".  A lot of people kept saying "Hey, enjoy it while you can!  You'll find that special person one day!"

Quite frankly... those people could shove it then (and now).  When you've been officially single for 7 of the last 8 years... well... you get the idea that you've pretty much run out of things to enjoy.  Or at least that is how I felt until a few weeks ago.

Today... I am so very happy.  I'm looking at the relationships around me... and delighted to find no hint of jealousy remaining and even find joy in the happiness of others.  I've come to terms that I'm glad my past relationship is over - it wasn't healthy, and it really wasn't all that happy.  Sure, I laughed, and I'm sure that one day we will enjoy our old jokes and be able to start our friendship over again - actually, I'm excited that we will probably have that chance.  But right now, it's good that we are apart and not really talking.  And even better that we aren't "together".   I mean.. I'm pretty sure i'm not hurting anybody's feelings when I say that.

So right now... I'm just so content with life.  I'm not single because nobody wants to be with me... I'm single because I'm not meant to just be found... I'm meant to be discovered by someone so lost in the Lord that he accidentally stumbles across me.  There is that person out there who God made especially for me... and one day we will meet and I won't experience the same brokenness as before.

I don't "need" to find a guy to like me anymore.  That need has been filled by God, and by self-love and self-confidence and self-discovery.  When that guy finds me... he'll just have to make his own space in my life <3